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I had an interesting dream last night..

I was sitting in my room, with Daunasia, we had just woken up.
Sitting RIGHT BEHIND ME was..... Tracy. Yup, thats right, Tracy.
I was all WTF???
At first Daunasia didn't realize who it was, so she invited her downstairs for breakfast.
Tracy went, and I said to D, "WTF are you thinking??!! Don't you know who that is??"
She was all ????? so I told her.
Then she flipped shit.
Daunasia went downstairs, took the frying pan, and BEAT THE EVERLOVING SHIT out of that child.
Then, grits magically appeared on the stove, so Daunasia played grit-ball. (+1 if you know what that is)
It was funny, I won't lie.
Then Allison and Jon walked in, saw what was going on and laughed.
I'm pretty sure Allison kicked the kid in the head.
Once Daunasia was happy with herself, the four of us (Allison, Jon, Daunasia and I) all went out for breakfast.

Like I said, Interesting.

Moments, originally uploaded by the12thwindow.

New pictures up!!

Comments are always welcome and appreciated. (Especially criticism, constructive of course.)

I'm posting this from a laptop in Best Buy.


I got a new binder today :)


Can You Feel the Power?, originally uploaded by the12thwindow.

Soooo it's been a while since I posted some pictures.

I do apologize for this.

But I'm here now!!!


Go there to see some more of my pictures :)

Some days I wonder if it's worth it, this whole being alive thing.

I just wish I had friends to talk about it with....

Oh well... another night drags on.

I don't like this.

Not one bit.

I am alone in this house and I hate it.

Ok...  Papa's here.. but he doesn't really count because he's 93 and asleep.
He's a good amount of the reason I don't like this.
He could die at any minute.
And I will be alone to handle it.
Someone could break into the house.
And I will be alone to handle it.
I could get hurt.
And no one will be here to handle it.
This house scares the shit out of me at night.
And no one is here to comfort me.
I have to sleep in Nannys room.
It is not comfortable for me.

Ever since she died I have not felt comfortable in this house.
She's here I can feel it.
Especially in her room.
Where she died.
It was just over 2 years ago....
I don't know if most people would be over it all by now...
I don't know how to mourn.
I don't know how to accept someones death.
I was 17 when she died.
It was my first death.
I don't know what to do.
I miss her so much...
I never got the chance to say goodbye.
I didn't get to tell her I loved her.

I hadn't even talked to her since 2 months before she died.
I'm a horrible person.
Who was I to assume she would be there next time I got to see her?
How was that my place?

There are so many things about me left unsaid to her.
Things I want her to know.
I want her to know I'm queer.
I'm not straight.
I don't follow heteronormativity.
I'm not the girl she thought I was, infact I am a better man than she could know.

I wish I could have told her all that.
I've said it to her grave.
The plot.
The giant rock with her name on it.
But that's not where she is.

She is here.
In that room.
But I can't bring myself to talk to her.
I'm so scared of what she would say.
Yes, I know she is past, but that does not mean she cannot speak.
Maybe not with words, but she can speak.

I miss my Nanny.
More than I'll ever admit again.
I still have nightmares about the night she died.
Yes, we were in two different states, and I had not a thing to do with it.
I know in no way was it my fault.
But I still hate myself for what I was doing.

While Nanny was dying I was getting high.
While everyone was rushing to the hospital, I was getting high.
While everyone was crying, I was high.
I was driving around.
I was smoking weed while driving around.
Drinking Gatorade and eating some kind of junk food.
She was dying, I was high.

When she was taken off support, pronounced dead,
I was popping pills with my friend in my bed.
I took a shot of whiskey and giggled like a fool.
She was gasping her final breath.
Leaving this world.
I was fucking high.

My family was crying, hurt, depressed.
I was high.
I was happy.
I couldn't have given two shits about anyone.
She was dead.

I will never forgive myself for that.

This whole entry has gone on far too long.
I'm shaking.
More upset than I was when I started.

I wish I had some weed.
Ironic, isn't it?


Someone save me.


I was havin fun playing with the panoramic stitching my new camera has....

I like the contrast on the bottom one...

Age, originally uploaded by the12thwindow.

I uploaded some new pics to Flickr, but I don't feel like putting them on photobucket too, so I won't be posting them all here, but my Flickr is public so feel free to take a look!!

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